Sunday, 2 November 2014

Why

Why?

A year passed, dated back when I deleted everything for reason that was never revealed. I did not regret anything, but I cannot lie; I miss bits and pieces of what I had wrote. The nonsensical rants and emotional outbursts of a confused man in his early twenties surely if were put in perspective would be nostalgic, but that is not the case.

Let me just be honest.

Privacy issue back then was my major concern. My deleted blog was my emotional shelter; an anecdote of my many overflowing meltdowns. I shared, and confessed things that were so close to me and let whomever read. Naive and unprepared I was unaware of people outside the virtual world who wasn't all nice and kind. I was thrown with judgment, and I have no one to blame for what happened but myself.

It was pretty pathetic that I learned the hard way for the fact that cyber bullying exists as one of the sickening viruses in ever growing social networking's radius. I blame myself for not being able to draw that line; between reticence and openness. Public outsmarted me with all the access they had with my stories. I was left defenseless and vulnerable, and found myself literally crying over thinking whatever remarks that were plunked hard right to my face.

Have I ever told you how uncomfortable it is to have people putting expectations on your shoulder, and presuming that you should behave or act upon something in certain ways that they justify to be correct? I obviously let what people say or think about myself get the best out of me.

I was defeated, and it is such a shame that I wasn't tough. And it is really sad when other people's expectations can tempt you to do something you don't really want to do. So much so that they sometimes become your own. I neglected my emotional needs and suppressed my feelings out of these subconscious expectations that accumulated inside of my head.

And today eventually it is coming back to this ultimate reason to start writing again; I just want to start over. Raising from the ashes like a phoenix, rebuild and comeback stronger and smarter. After all, I need to make peace with my past in order to move on. Don't you think so?

2 comments:

  1. Make peace with your past in order to move on. Totally true.

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  2. I once had the same feeling. I am very afraid of what people would think of me, being judge by others. And I end up not being myself. I want people to look at me as the person that is always happy and with no flaw.but hell yeah, who on earth got no flaw? I keep on thinking why I did that? Why I ran away from being me and keep on acting just to get other people like me. It is tiring.

    As time pass by, I learnt that I cant pleased everyone. People will never stop judging. It is human nature. All I can do is be me. People could even care less. As long as im happy with what I am now - with a very small circle of friends and family - I have the freedom from my oldself and all the thought of what people would think of me.

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