Wednesday, 31 December 2014

Time after time

This year runs too fast; from unemployed to a primary school teacher; my life changed drastically. I felt like I was suffocating most of the time having to cope with so many adulthood obligations. Too many little things have to be taken care of, the sudden need of having to socialize, and make new friends because of work slowly paralyzing my ability to withstand the pressure. My work have shaken my introverted self and everyday was tiring.

Apart from that, I failed to keep in touch with so many people whom I dearly care, have forgotten way too many birthdays, missed a few close friends' wedding, constantly feeling like a walking whale because I skipped running far too much, and eat everything edible like a pig putting aside all my simple dietary plan which I used to have. Stress was merely a word, it's a religion. Waking up was a struggle. And I started to question my passion by doing this same thing over and over again. I lost my compassionate self at times and cried when it got too severe with emotional burden of being alone at a place where I have no one to rely but myself.

People don't see this, because I hardly open up to anyone. I always have this in mind; for thinking that my problem is too small and insignificant, it cannot be bothered by anyone but myself. I do not want to be looked as a weak twenty-something, who is struggle to make a life. So, smile, laugh, and all my positivity was fake for people around me.

Along the way, when you forget to take care of yourself, and already have no time to care about others, you realize the most brutal fact about living; you will be alone. You will die alone, no one will love you and by the end of the day, you have no one but yourself to love, to care and to look after. You are becoming more realistic about your dream and all the mindless dramas at workplace, at home where people like to throw you in will no longer bother you too much. Your skin is growing thick, and days gone by with you emotionally toughen up.

Am I really changing, or am I growing up? 

It is amazing how fast things changed. A year, a month, a week, a day, an hour, a minute, a second or whatever degree of time, small or big, it can make a difference.

Sunday, 2 November 2014

Why

Why?

A year passed, dated back when I deleted everything for reason that was never revealed. I did not regret anything, but I cannot lie; I miss bits and pieces of what I had wrote. The nonsensical rants and emotional outbursts of a confused man in his early twenties surely if were put in perspective would be nostalgic, but that is not the case.

Let me just be honest.

Privacy issue back then was my major concern. My deleted blog was my emotional shelter; an anecdote of my many overflowing meltdowns. I shared, and confessed things that were so close to me and let whomever read. Naive and unprepared I was unaware of people outside the virtual world who wasn't all nice and kind. I was thrown with judgment, and I have no one to blame for what happened but myself.

It was pretty pathetic that I learned the hard way for the fact that cyber bullying exists as one of the sickening viruses in ever growing social networking's radius. I blame myself for not being able to draw that line; between reticence and openness. Public outsmarted me with all the access they had with my stories. I was left defenseless and vulnerable, and found myself literally crying over thinking whatever remarks that were plunked hard right to my face.

Have I ever told you how uncomfortable it is to have people putting expectations on your shoulder, and presuming that you should behave or act upon something in certain ways that they justify to be correct? I obviously let what people say or think about myself get the best out of me.

I was defeated, and it is such a shame that I wasn't tough. And it is really sad when other people's expectations can tempt you to do something you don't really want to do. So much so that they sometimes become your own. I neglected my emotional needs and suppressed my feelings out of these subconscious expectations that accumulated inside of my head.

And today eventually it is coming back to this ultimate reason to start writing again; I just want to start over. Raising from the ashes like a phoenix, rebuild and comeback stronger and smarter. After all, I need to make peace with my past in order to move on. Don't you think so?

Sunday, 26 October 2014

Hello Internet

Last week on 15th of October marked exactly a year after I left abruptly, deleted all the social networking sites I had from Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, to my precious and dearly nurtured blog that grew along with me throughout my late teenage years up till my early adulthood. I left for so many reasons which I could not quite explain because after all I feel like today those details no longer matter.

I am both excited and nervous upon this; coming back blogging and able to express myself in writing again. It has been a year, and too many ups and downs were not properly documented like it used to be. My blog is my personal space, my non-judgmental self monologue, my emotional shelter, and practically my diary of how I go about crisis, over-excitement on little things, and probably my only room that I am free to profess my liberty and exhibit my leeway.

Despite excitement, I am also clueless on how to start over. What should I write? Where do I begin? Trust me, my initial plan was not a year break of silence. I pretty much prolonged this debut waiting for the perfect moment that never appeared. I think I have enough, and for god sake it is nearly end of the year. I need to surpass my procrastinator self once and for all. The constant predicament of my creative and perfectionist nature needed a big full stop if I want to be ahead of my dreams and hence, start back blogging to explore the option I have; if blogging could open a door that I never imagined.

Guided with almost none expectation yet, and the true light of passion, I am taking this small steps recollecting my strength and trying to assemble my faith hoping that I could change my life, or anybody's life in fact, through blogging. I don't know where this would lead me for my second trial of blogging, but I am certain it will make at least a difference in my life. Wish me luck with this, as I need it, so bad.