Most of the time, I have no idea how I survived, pulling it together through countless meltdowns from time to time. I have been living alone since my wife passed away and it is still the most difficult thing to do.
Tonight it is one of the dark moments. I am very sorry dear self, for letting it out abruptly. It is probably because I have been feeling unwell. The thought of my loneness slowly kills me when I am sick. Having to take care of myself when I barely have the energy to move around and take myself to the clinic, it always gets crying. I feel helpless.
I normally would cry myself to sleep.
It has been almost three years. I should have known better, but grieving is like wickedly magical in a bad way, they renew themselves. It is only known beginning and ending is never part of the deal (as for now).
When I looked at it, it is a pretty sad life I have. I feel bad for spelling it out loud to god but, can I at least be honest that sometimes I lose myself? I don’t always have it together. I never have it together. I lost myself tonight, and here I am writing to myself again after almost three years.
In this three years of my sadness and grieving, I actually never felt really happy. In fact, I already settled with an okay life. Happiness when I came to know loss is fleeting, like my wife; it is taken away.
Do I want to be happy again? I don’t know. I just hope I begin to count so deep into every blessing that I am becoming blind to this one test that god puts me through.
When I look back for the past three years, I still haven’t found myself; the person I was before I met wife…